I’ve been trying to write this post for a while but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why is it so hard to write about not having friends? At first I thought that I just wasn’t in tune with my own feelings but this morning it hit me hard. I know exactly how I’m feeling. I’ve been lying to myself as a defense mechanism. The truth is… I’m just ashamed.
It’s not easy to say « I don’t have friends ». I think it’s human nature, we want to feel loved, and we want people to think we’re good company. So this morning, I broke the news to myself « You’re not popular ». You know, I’m prideful, this is hard to admit. Virtually, I have over 80.000 followers on Instagram, and people who email me weekly to thank me for my blog. In reality, if I’m sad or want to grab a beer with someone, I have nobody to call. I’m lonely and I’m ashamed of it.
What’s the saddest thing about not having friends?
I think the hardest part is the constant self-questioning:
What did I go wrong? Why am I not good enough to have friends? Why do people always cancel play dates on me? Why haven’t I seen someone in two months? Why do people end up talking behind my back? Am I too harsh for cutting ties with people who talked about me behind my back? Is it because I’m autistic? Am I too self-centered? Boring? Am I just too awkward? Will I ever have friends? Just one?
These are the questions that come to my mind daily if I let myself get bored.
And when I talk to my therapist about it, she doesn’t have an answer for me. On paper, I’m not doing anything wrong, then why don’t I have any friends? To forget that I’m alone, I just work. I’ve become a workaholic. It keeps my mind busy and I don’t have to focus on the pain so much.
What sucks even more if that because of all my failed relationships, I’ve convinced myself that I’m not worth it. I used to be annoyingly sociable and now my self-confidence is lower than the temperatures in Antarctica. See where the problem is? You gotta be confident in yourself to make friends. I’ve got to break that circle somehow. It’s just hard when you try, get emotionally involved in friendships and then it ends, yet one more time. Darn you people, give me a chance!
My classified ad
Maybe I should write a classified ad, he’d say something like this;
« 27 year old woman, looking for someone to talk photography with, play board games together and drink cheap beers together. Bonus points if you’re not afraid of deep conversations about feelings and life. Triple bonus points if you don’t do small talk or can teach me how to. I’m not complicated. I’m a loyal friend. I’m a firm believer that everything can be resolved with a good discussion. My only request is that if I’m doing something that bothers you, you come to me directly. Don’t tell your friends about it behind my back. That’s it »
Friendships are that simple to me, it’s all about honestly.