I’ve been trying to write this post for a while but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why is it so hard to write about not having friends? At first I thought that I just wasn’t in tune with my own feelings about it but this morning it hit me hard. I know exactly how I’m feeling. I’ve been lying to myself and the truth is, I’m just ashamed.
It’s not easy to say “I don’t have friends”. I think it’s human nature, us wanting to feel loved and wanting people to think we’re good company. So this morning, I broke the news to myself: “you’re not popular”. You know, I’m prideful and this is hard to admit. In the cyber world, I have over 80,000 followers on Instagram, and people emailing me weekly to thank me for my blog. In reality, if I’m sad or want to grab a beer with someone I have nobody to call. I’m lonely and I’m ashamed of it.
What’s the saddest thing about not having friends?
I think the hardest part is the constant self-questioning:
What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough to have friends? Why do people cancel play dates so often? Why haven’t I seen her in two months? Am I too harsh for cutting ties with people who talked about me behind my back? Is it because I’m autistic? Am I too self-centered? Am I boring? Awkward? Annoying? Will I ever have a best friend?
This is what comes to mind if I let myself get bored.
And when I talk to my therapist about it, she doesn’t have an answer for me. On paper, I’m not doing anything wrong, so why don’t I have any friends? To forget that I’m alone, I just work. I’ve become a workaholic. It keeps my mind busy and I don’t focus on the loneliness.
What sucks even more if that because of all my failed friendships, I’ve convinced myself that it’s probably my fault. I used to be annoyingly sociable but now my self-confidence has sunk to a low plateau. See the problem? You gotta be confident in yourself to make friends. I’ve got to break that cycle somehow. It’s just so hard those times when you try and get emotionally involved in friendships but it ends, one more time. Darn you, people, give me a chance!
An ad in the paper
Maybe I should write a classified ad. Something like this:
“27 year old woman looking for someone to talk photography, play board games, and drink cheap beers with. Bonus points if you like talking about feelings. Double bonus points if you don’t do small talk (or can teach me how to). I’m not complicated. I’m a loyal friend. I believe that everything can be resolved with a good discussion. My only request is that if I’m doing something that bothers you, you talk to me directly. That’s all!”
Any advice on how to make friends?